The invisible bashful ballerina realization

There is a thought I have had recently, due to an assignment given at school. I was to write down 27 things that I would like to do, see, or experience. One of these I was reluctant to write, or even admit to myself. It has always been a thought to try out ballet. In the past the moment this thought became conscious there was an array of negative thoughts that came with it. You are to old for this. You do not have the body, shape, and size to do this. You are not coordinated. All of these seem to be reasonable reasons or excuses. It is no surprise that I was not willing to admit and accept this thought for myself, let alone see it as a reality!

After drawing a pair of ballet slippers in box 21 on my assignment, a magical thing happened. I thought about it several times the following week. I even went as far as to look for places that teach adults in my area and discovered a fun video online about adults learning ballet. http://www.kqed.org/arts/programs/trulyca/shorts/episode.jsp?essid=29515 This lead to me dreaming, yes daydreaming about ballet! I can not describe for you how freeing being able to admit this to myself and foreseeing this is as a reality did for me. I certainly experienced a joy, freedom, and happiness I can hardly put words to.

You see, there are so many small things tied up into this. My confidence, my body image, what others think. For me this is about me and my journey. Ballet is something I want to pursue for me. Not sure why exactly, but how will I know if I never try? I am realistic about this as well amongst my daydreaming (considering putting up a ballet barre in my living room! Possibly with mirrors and inspiring new paint and artwork.) I know that it may take months or a year to get form down. I foresee this being potentially slow progress. I have no expectations other than to put on some ballet shoes and experience what I can. Where will this take me, guess there is only one way to truly find out.

Currently, I have and am changing my lifestyle and losing unneeded pounds in the process. this has been a great journey and I am looking forward to seeing visible results soon! Since I am very overweight I believe it is wise to wait until my body is at a healthy proportion to try my feet at ballet. After I reach my weight goal I am going to sign up for a ballet class. Before that time I am going to tour places of instruction to find a good fit for me. I will also purchase shoes and hang them on my bedroom wall to inspire and drive me to reach my goal.

Thinking about ballet energizes and excites me! I am hesitant currently to share this with any friends or family mostly for the fear of laughter, questioning, or rejection I may receive. I am at a vulnerable and fragile point with my dream and do not want it squished by misunderstanding individuals. I am no longer invisible to myself in my desire and dream to peruse ballet. At least currently to myself. One day I believe that this invisible bashful ballerina will be able to share this with the world.

Another thought. If it has taken me so many years to admit this to myself. How much do I hid and lie to myself about. How much do others do this as well? What would happen if we were truthful and honest with ourselves? How different a place our world would be!

Friends & Friendship

The following was the start to a entry from over a year ago. I was hurt and in a challenging place at the time. It is random ponderings about friendships. Some questions have been answered and others remain to be answered. Yet I feel it will be a lifelong journey to discover the answers I seek.

What is a friend and what is friendship? I have asked myself this question many times recently. I realize we have friends and that friends come and go. We may move on for a time and then that friendship returns, like the change of the seasons, it comes back around. Still others I believe are meant to be in our life for a short time for various reasons. It puzzles me what to do when I sense I am to move on. How do I approach making new friends and how much time and how close will I allow myself to be? How does one kindly move on without hurting the other person in the process? And when I do make new friends how close do I get knowing this process will repeat itself again?

I'll admit I've been hurt deeply in the past by various friendships. Some of my friends have died and others are in a different place in life. I'm initially reserved at the start of a friendship. It has taken me a long time to realize that I can trust and be trusted in return.

I have asked myself many questions regarding friends. How many friends are too many? I want quality not quantity. There are times when a friendship is important to me but doesn't seem to be to the other person and then times when it is vice versa. "Never make someone your priority when you are just their option." This quote was given to me by a friend and has helped me in making decisions about friends.

For me a friend is someone to share life with. Someone who loves unconditionally. Someone who you have a special connection with, so much so that it can't be described in words. Someone to laugh, cry, and share the good/hard moments in life with. Someone who will be there no matter what happens, they have your back so to speak. Someone who has patience and understanding.

The dictionary.com definition of friend is:

friend (frěnd)
n.

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement.


Word History: A friend is a lover, literally. The relationship between Latin amīcus "friend" and amō "I love" is clear, as is the relationship between Greek philos "friend" and phileō "I love." In English, though, we have to go back a millennium before we see the verb related to friend. At that time, frēond, the Old English word for "friend," was simply the present participle of the verb frēon, "to love." The Germanic root behind this verb is *frī-, which meant "to like, love, be friendly to." Closely linked to these concepts is that of "peace," and in fact Germanic made a noun from this root, *frithu-, meaning exactly that. Ultimately descended from this noun are the personal names Frederick, "peaceful ruler," and Siegfried, "victory peace." The root also shows up in the name of the Germanic deity Frigg, the goddess of love, who lives on today in the word Friday, "day of Frigg," from an ancient translation of Latin Veneris diēs, "day of Venus."

Friends who are in tune are the best in my book. Ones who can see you from a distance or hear your voice on the phone and know something is out of place or not o.k. Generally they will know how to listen and respond to help you feel cared for, heard, or appreciated. They may not solve and that may not be the reason for the interaction but you feel heard, understood, and connected as a result. You are noticed and not alone in the world.

There are those who call and those who wait for calls and then those who have a healthy balance of the two. For so long I've been one to call and now i'm at the other extreme end and need to move more to the center for a healthy balance.

Accepting what friends have to offer and expecting nothing more. It's challenging when friendships change and you are left wondering what to do with it. Where is this new road leading and how do I respond to the changes and fill my needs that are no longer being met? -And mind you in a healthy way. How does one adjust and continue with a friendship that is so drastically different when you feel indifferent about it at the moment?



So for now I leave this particular post for what it is. Thoughts upon thoughts, I am sure I will return to this one again. I am left with some interesting questions, some which are now answered and some of which aren't. If you have found answers to these for yourself, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

What does/has friendship and friend meant to you?

How have you found balance with friends/friendship?

How do you move on after being deeply hurt?

How are you vulnerable, honest, and close while still keeping a healthy distance/boundary?

How do you protect yourself from being hurt again without closing off?

Precious

Saturday I was having an off day. It was one of those days I felt unnoticed by the people around me. Sure they saw me (it wasn't like I was invisible, I'm not that good :) but it didn't seem like they could see I was having a tough day and needed to feel connected. Often this happens and I wonder how often I myself do this(Not taking notice of where someone is at.) Lets face it, life gets busy and it's so easy not to be in the present.

A few days ago I was feeling this exact way and I remember just wanting someone to be there for me to stoke my hair and my forehead and the side of my face. Of course this is something I wouldn't want to ask for, it was something that would mean something if unasked for. I brought my request to God and let him know my need and asked if possible for him to fill that need. He came through in the most unexpected way (although he always does doesn't he?!).

Like I said, I was having an off day. I was at my sisters and doing my best to enjoy my precious nieces and nephew (Trying to be in the present and connect with them, despite the way I felt). The oldest is five and has autism. Normally this means she doesn't speak much, she repeats things you say, but there has been a remarkable improvement in the last month. She is not just using the same phrases, she seems to be connecting her words with her feelings :) I can't describe it but I feel a special connection with her, one that transcends words. It's as if there are moments that we look at each other and understand one another without a word.

Well, today it was more than that. I asked her if she wanted a hug. She was cuddled up laying down on the couch. She said "come here" as she reached her hands out towards me. I went to her and she said here, and patted her hand on her chest. She reached for my head and pulled it to her and I kid you not she took her hands and stroked my hair and the side of my face. My eyes instantaneously filled with tears. He had heard the cry of my heart seen my need and provided so preciously for me in that moment. It was all I could do not to burst out crying. It was something I had given to him with no expectations and he had shown himself to me in the most unexpected way.

It reminds me of the verse that says: "Ask and it will be given to you"

The Beginning

Well here is a sentence for my first post.